[ malkuth takes a sip of her beer, resting her cheek in her hand as her smile remains, if dimming a little. it doesn't embitter it... but there's still a sort of drop in her stomach, a kind of disappointment that comes when the curtains fall, the lights turn on, the performers have taken their bows. nostalgic and sad, just like the memories she owns. ]
... Yeah, it is. Thanks for playing along with my silly wishes, Mr. Gaze. I'll tell you what you'd like to know. What was it again...? If I've died before?
[ and whatever else she might be able to answer, within reason. ]
This is my third life. But I didn't really die in my last life, just my first. The second time... was more like being put to sleep. So just once in a traditional sense.
[ she'll keep it in mind, at least. though her gaze slips to her drink too, humming thoughtfully. ]
Something like that. In my first life... I [ elijah ] was frustrated by everyone being so preoccupied with blacks and whites, rather than the color that could be found around them. But in the end, the only thing I [ elijah ] saw was black and white myself.
[ herself. ]
You know how Nests are. The affluent can get by pretty easily, but the lower you go the harder you work. My [ her ] family wasn't anything special, well-off as any of their neighbors, but everyone had to work hard to keep their head above water. I did too, especially in school.
[ ... she did, poor elijah. always looking at the ground just ahead of her just so she didn't trip. when did she get to stop and look up at everything else? or had she caught sight of the flowers sprinkled around the nest and sat for a while, entranced by the vibrant, transient beauty they held?
malkuth thinks of burning, crimson red, and how easily it flares and fades. ]
So you could say I'm making up for lost time in that life, and atoning for what I did in my second.
No. The Library is in my third life -- the person I am now. My second life... was at the main branch of Lobotomy Corporation. There's a definite split between the two.
[ one she has to be very, very careful about speaking of, and she hopes it doesn't come off that way. she moves on, quieter as the bustle of the restaurant continues. ]
The Library isn't the best way to atone for things, but we're trying to make them right by completing what we'd set out to do in the first place: cure the disease of the mind that infects every one of the people in the City. I don't like that we're still hurting others. But I remember every name this time, and I always will. That's part of it, too.
[That bright light...the destruction of L Corp. And then, the Library.]
[Of course, they're connected. But how? Maybe only the Head knows the exact details. The Head, and this young lady, unassuming, with a web of secrets behind her.]
[He sighs, feeling like all of this is getting out of the reach of his understanding. Maybe he shouldn't bother. Maybe he should. It feels like a weight he wasn't meant to bear.]
[But she does, somehow. Many lives. One woman.]
If you had the chance to go back to your Library...would you?
[ it's not easy to answer. it should be, but her thoughts swirl with the liquid in her glass. ]
I know I should. [ she has things she needs to do. things to see through. people she misses so much, the facsimiles here doing nothing to stem her loneliness.
no, they're very the same as she ever knew. but it's hard, it's painful, and she tips the rest of her first beer back to get started on the second. ] If I was given the choice, I know I'd go. Because that's what's right, it's what I should do, there's things I need to see the end of...
[ ... ]
But I think... I would regret it either way. If I did, if I didn't. I'd feel guilty, or I'd resent myself. I'd like to do everything I can, completely satisfy myself, before that chance or choice ever arrives -- if it does.
[ elijah couldn't live either. it's partly for her, and partly for herself. malkuth doesn't think that line could blur... but only because she's being so careful about it too. it's only a slip away, using her name, her history as a cover. ]
If you'd asked me a month, maybe two ago how I felt about it, I would've said I hadn't thought a single thing about any of that. The only thing that was on my mind was making sure I actually died this time. [ her atonement, or what she felt would be appropriate, when really... ] But now I think that's just a form of running away. It's more painful to live with what you've done than to shrug it off like that.
It IS painful to live with what you've done. [He threads a hand through his bangs, eyes glimmering. His blood-filled sea. The end will be cold.] So that's the path you've chosen.
I did. It was the plan to die once we'd completed our work at Lobotomy Corporation, but that was stopped short. I still wanted to when I began working at the Library, I was frustrated beyond belief that it'd been stolen from us... but we weren't allowed -- I wasn't the only one who wanted to, either.
[ for different reasons, more than just herself had. the others on her level... all of them had thought about it, seen the phantom value in it, and ultimately rejected it.
she's glad they did. she'd like to see a future with them. ]
It's the path I would choose every time now. What's the point of helping to create a better future for everyone if you're not there to see it too?
[ to live, to remember, to take steps you need to ensure those mistakes don't pile up again... maybe she doesn't deserve to share in that future with the people of the city that she'd hurt. but she still wants to, and sketches the buildings shed like to see there too. ]
[She says it like death was another thing on her list of projects. It might has well have been, back then. See, this is what the City does. He wonders if she would be this blunt with someone who has never lived in that rotten hell. Probably not. He, of course, can understand it so well.]
[Her question makes him fall quiet. That dream of his, laid buried in his heart...that idealistic, reckless vision. That voice, that woman, had seen it for what it was, peeked into the stone cracks to see inside.]
[He had been tempted, then.]
[But he could not love himself enough to pull away from that ideal completely.]
It's a long painful road you travel, Miss Weiss. It's the type of road that could tear up your soul. [His voice is more hoarse.] Do you still wish to follow that flow? Even if you may not succeed?
malkuth vc this isn't the kind of conversation you have before a drink or two
[ she wouldn't. she tiptoed around the exactness of it with march and kaito, from the work they did at l corp to the sort they did in the library, avoided the horror of elijah's death and what had broken the spirit of the woman they had all followed... how things had fallen, how living beyond their purpose hadn't crossed their minds at the end of the project.
malkuth could never tell them so plainly. there's too much they don't understand, too much they would feel. it's a burden she doesn't want to inflict onto either of her dear, wonderful friends. it's a burden that she can ask vergilius to hear out instead. ]
I do. Because I know better than anyone that "may not" is better than "won't", and I won't succeed if I never step foot on that road in the first place.
[ as if she hasn't been asking him questions all day, his playing nice only lasting so long as that bottle had a drop left. and from the way he'd tipped it back, it'd run dry. ]
[A bit complicated, and he's trying to find words.]
Hard to describe. I suppose it's like...a pull. Something like a stream pulling you along. The ebbs and lows of life. You can turn your back to it. Or you can walk through it, and let it take you where it leads. Sometimes a flow can stagnate. But its unavoidable, in its own way.
[ but he's taking the time to explain it, and she watches him as she sips at her beer. a pull, something that tugs you... leads your feet, maybe, and acts as a guide. the gut instinct humans long since abandoned save for when it came to fear response. something like that.
fate, unwritten but known. angela might have felt it. it seems like something leads that book of hers, consuming knowledge until it bursts at the seams and the library with it. elijah must have felt it, face turning to something new, something inevitable. one way or another, the world would have been affected by carmen -- whether she was there or not. maybe it was something like that. ]
You're right, it is hard to describe. But thanks for trying anyway -- I think I get it a little more now, at least enough to say I'm definitely walking with mine... and that I think I get what you mean by stagnate. Sometimes everything just feels like it leads to a pool instead of the sea.
That's good! Then you can't be led astray by anything else that might pop up.
[ is what it sounds like, anyway... she'll finish off her bottle, holding it up to the light and wondering, briefly, if when she stands up, if she'll be okay. she doesn't feel bad. she could probably go for another, but she has things to do outside of this; that is something she remembers mentioning, and something she needs to keep to. but she feels fine right now.
(it has not hit her.) ]
Though I don't think anything could. You don't seem like the type of person that'd be easily distracted from what's important.
Hm. [He watches her look through the bottle - it reminds him of that moment near the cherry blossoms, when they both went too far. He doesn't even know why - no, actually, he does. Mentions of the Library. Of Roland.]
[He sighs.]
You'd be right about that. I'm not the type of person who would wander off the path. Not anymore.
[A beat - self-consciousness rises, like a little naggling thorn in the side.]
[ the question doesn't register immediately, but when it does her surprise is small but evident as she lowers the bottle to look at him. she probably shouldn't, with what... she needs to do tonight, which is walk around and take pictures of the city with all its pretty neons, but maybe that can just be a want tonight instead. she'd like to do that, but it isn't something that can't be done tomorrow.
yeah. that can be done tomorrow, and malkuth tilts her head with a teasing smile. ]
Trying to pay off your debt so soon? [ the drink he owes her, which she'd collect at some point anyway. ] I'd love one, Mr. Gaze.
[He shrugs his shoulders back casually - if it'll happen tomorrow, he'll respect the lady's wishes, at least, though a large part of him is bemoaning having to be dragged out of his place once again. Oh well.]
Thought I might as well ask. Since you...requested, and all. Never leave debts unpaid.
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[Her smile is so bright.]
[He instinctively looks away from it, like he's staring at the sun.]
[...]
You... [He starts, stops, rethinks his question.] You said you'd answer my questions after drinks. Is this satisfactory...?
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... Yeah, it is. Thanks for playing along with my silly wishes, Mr. Gaze. I'll tell you what you'd like to know. What was it again...? If I've died before?
[ and whatever else she might be able to answer, within reason. ]
This is my third life. But I didn't really die in my last life, just my first. The second time... was more like being put to sleep. So just once in a traditional sense.
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[He says, a little quietly. But ah, she's already moved to start to answer, so he listens, eyebrows furrowing as he stars a bit into his drink.]
Are you trying to make up for your previous lives then?
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Something like that. In my first life... I [ elijah ] was frustrated by everyone being so preoccupied with blacks and whites, rather than the color that could be found around them. But in the end, the only thing I [ elijah ] saw was black and white myself.
[ herself. ]
You know how Nests are. The affluent can get by pretty easily, but the lower you go the harder you work. My [ her ] family wasn't anything special, well-off as any of their neighbors, but everyone had to work hard to keep their head above water. I did too, especially in school.
[ ... she did, poor elijah. always looking at the ground just ahead of her just so she didn't trip. when did she get to stop and look up at everything else? or had she caught sight of the flowers sprinkled around the nest and sat for a while, entranced by the vibrant, transient beauty they held?
malkuth thinks of burning, crimson red, and how easily it flares and fades. ]
So you could say I'm making up for lost time in that life, and atoning for what I did in my second.
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[Malkuth still dreamed, but in the end, a duck can only paddle as hard as it can against a moving stream.]
...
[Don't they all have things to atone for...?]
Atoning for what? The Library?
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[ one she has to be very, very careful about speaking of, and she hopes it doesn't come off that way. she moves on, quieter as the bustle of the restaurant continues. ]
The Library isn't the best way to atone for things, but we're trying to make them right by completing what we'd set out to do in the first place: cure the disease of the mind that infects every one of the people in the City. I don't like that we're still hurting others. But I remember every name this time, and I always will. That's part of it, too.
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[That bright light...the destruction of L Corp. And then, the Library.]
[Of course, they're connected. But how? Maybe only the Head knows the exact details. The Head, and this young lady, unassuming, with a web of secrets behind her.]
[He sighs, feeling like all of this is getting out of the reach of his understanding. Maybe he shouldn't bother. Maybe he should. It feels like a weight he wasn't meant to bear.]
[But she does, somehow. Many lives. One woman.]
If you had the chance to go back to your Library...would you?
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[ it's not easy to answer. it should be, but her thoughts swirl with the liquid in her glass. ]
I know I should. [ she has things she needs to do. things to see through. people she misses so much, the facsimiles here doing nothing to stem her loneliness.
no, they're very the same as she ever knew. but it's hard, it's painful, and she tips the rest of her first beer back to get started on the second. ] If I was given the choice, I know I'd go. Because that's what's right, it's what I should do, there's things I need to see the end of...
[ ... ]
But I think... I would regret it either way. If I did, if I didn't. I'd feel guilty, or I'd resent myself. I'd like to do everything I can, completely satisfy myself, before that chance or choice ever arrives -- if it does.
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[He nods, a little dimly. Caught between a rock and a hard place.]
You want to live, don't you? Properly. Outside the weights you've been carrying all your life.
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[ elijah couldn't live either. it's partly for her, and partly for herself. malkuth doesn't think that line could blur... but only because she's being so careful about it too. it's only a slip away, using her name, her history as a cover. ]
If you'd asked me a month, maybe two ago how I felt about it, I would've said I hadn't thought a single thing about any of that. The only thing that was on my mind was making sure I actually died this time. [ her atonement, or what she felt would be appropriate, when really... ] But now I think that's just a form of running away. It's more painful to live with what you've done than to shrug it off like that.
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[He frowns, suddenly.]
It IS painful to live with what you've done. [He threads a hand through his bangs, eyes glimmering. His blood-filled sea. The end will be cold.] So that's the path you've chosen.
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[ for different reasons, more than just herself had. the others on her level... all of them had thought about it, seen the phantom value in it, and ultimately rejected it.
she's glad they did. she'd like to see a future with them. ]
It's the path I would choose every time now. What's the point of helping to create a better future for everyone if you're not there to see it too?
[ to live, to remember, to take steps you need to ensure those mistakes don't pile up again... maybe she doesn't deserve to share in that future with the people of the city that she'd hurt. but she still wants to, and sketches the buildings shed like to see there too. ]
normal dinner conversation.jpg
[Her question makes him fall quiet. That dream of his, laid buried in his heart...that idealistic, reckless vision. That voice, that woman, had seen it for what it was, peeked into the stone cracks to see inside.]
[He had been tempted, then.]
[But he could not love himself enough to pull away from that ideal completely.]
It's a long painful road you travel, Miss Weiss. It's the type of road that could tear up your soul. [His voice is more hoarse.] Do you still wish to follow that flow? Even if you may not succeed?
malkuth vc this isn't the kind of conversation you have before a drink or two
malkuth could never tell them so plainly. there's too much they don't understand, too much they would feel. it's a burden she doesn't want to inflict onto either of her dear, wonderful friends. it's a burden that she can ask vergilius to hear out instead. ]
I do. Because I know better than anyone that "may not" is better than "won't", and I won't succeed if I never step foot on that road in the first place.
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[And there's the very slight edge of a bitter, bitter smile.]
Ah. How it feels to find fellow travelers on the road...
[He lapses into silence for a moment, finishing off his second beer bottle.]
If that's the flow you follow...then you cannot be stopped.
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[ as if she hasn't been asking him questions all day, his playing nice only lasting so long as that bottle had a drop left. and from the way he'd tipped it back, it'd run dry. ]
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[His eyes open just a sliver.]
Go ahead, Miss Weiss.
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You talk a lot about flow, but I can't say I really get it. You're not just saying stuff like that to sound wise, are you?
[ like
it does make him sound old and wise, but she is curious if there's something more. ]
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[A bit complicated, and he's trying to find words.]
Hard to describe. I suppose it's like...a pull. Something like a stream pulling you along. The ebbs and lows of life. You can turn your back to it. Or you can walk through it, and let it take you where it leads. Sometimes a flow can stagnate. But its unavoidable, in its own way.
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fate, unwritten but known. angela might have felt it. it seems like something leads that book of hers, consuming knowledge until it bursts at the seams and the library with it. elijah must have felt it, face turning to something new, something inevitable. one way or another, the world would have been affected by carmen -- whether she was there or not. maybe it was something like that. ]
You're right, it is hard to describe. But thanks for trying anyway -- I think I get it a little more now, at least enough to say I'm definitely walking with mine... and that I think I get what you mean by stagnate. Sometimes everything just feels like it leads to a pool instead of the sea.
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[But now, things have changed. This flow cannot be stopped.]
[Except....well. They're here.]
[Not there.]
[Is this part of his flow...?]
I know where my flow goes now, at the very least.
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That's good! Then you can't be led astray by anything else that might pop up.
[ is what it sounds like, anyway... she'll finish off her bottle, holding it up to the light and wondering, briefly, if when she stands up, if she'll be okay. she doesn't feel bad. she could probably go for another, but she has things to do outside of this; that is something she remembers mentioning, and something she needs to keep to. but she feels fine right now.
(it has not hit her.) ]
Though I don't think anything could. You don't seem like the type of person that'd be easily distracted from what's important.
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Hm. [He watches her look through the bottle - it reminds him of that moment near the cherry blossoms, when they both went too far. He doesn't even know why - no, actually, he does. Mentions of the Library. Of Roland.]
[He sighs.]
You'd be right about that. I'm not the type of person who would wander off the path. Not anymore.
[A beat - self-consciousness rises, like a little naggling thorn in the side.]
Would you...want another drink?
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yeah. that can be done tomorrow, and malkuth tilts her head with a teasing smile. ]
Trying to pay off your debt so soon? [ the drink he owes her, which she'd collect at some point anyway. ] I'd love one, Mr. Gaze.
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[CALLED OUT...]
[He shrugs his shoulders back casually - if it'll happen tomorrow, he'll respect the lady's wishes, at least, though a large part of him is bemoaning having to be dragged out of his place once again. Oh well.]
Thought I might as well ask. Since you...requested, and all. Never leave debts unpaid.
[A huff.]
Where...would you like to go?
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