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... What a question.
[ it's not easy to answer. it should be, but her thoughts swirl with the liquid in her glass. ]
I know I should. [ she has things she needs to do. things to see through. people she misses so much, the facsimiles here doing nothing to stem her loneliness.
no, they're very the same as she ever knew. but it's hard, it's painful, and she tips the rest of her first beer back to get started on the second. ] If I was given the choice, I know I'd go. Because that's what's right, it's what I should do, there's things I need to see the end of...
[ ... ]
But I think... I would regret it either way. If I did, if I didn't. I'd feel guilty, or I'd resent myself. I'd like to do everything I can, completely satisfy myself, before that chance or choice ever arrives -- if it does.
[ it's not easy to answer. it should be, but her thoughts swirl with the liquid in her glass. ]
I know I should. [ she has things she needs to do. things to see through. people she misses so much, the facsimiles here doing nothing to stem her loneliness.
no, they're very the same as she ever knew. but it's hard, it's painful, and she tips the rest of her first beer back to get started on the second. ] If I was given the choice, I know I'd go. Because that's what's right, it's what I should do, there's things I need to see the end of...
[ ... ]
But I think... I would regret it either way. If I did, if I didn't. I'd feel guilty, or I'd resent myself. I'd like to do everything I can, completely satisfy myself, before that chance or choice ever arrives -- if it does.
...
[He nods, a little dimly. Caught between a rock and a hard place.]
You want to live, don't you? Properly. Outside the weights you've been carrying all your life.
[He nods, a little dimly. Caught between a rock and a hard place.]
You want to live, don't you? Properly. Outside the weights you've been carrying all your life.
Yeah.
[ elijah couldn't live either. it's partly for her, and partly for herself. malkuth doesn't think that line could blur... but only because she's being so careful about it too. it's only a slip away, using her name, her history as a cover. ]
If you'd asked me a month, maybe two ago how I felt about it, I would've said I hadn't thought a single thing about any of that. The only thing that was on my mind was making sure I actually died this time. [ her atonement, or what she felt would be appropriate, when really... ] But now I think that's just a form of running away. It's more painful to live with what you've done than to shrug it off like that.
[ elijah couldn't live either. it's partly for her, and partly for herself. malkuth doesn't think that line could blur... but only because she's being so careful about it too. it's only a slip away, using her name, her history as a cover. ]
If you'd asked me a month, maybe two ago how I felt about it, I would've said I hadn't thought a single thing about any of that. The only thing that was on my mind was making sure I actually died this time. [ her atonement, or what she felt would be appropriate, when really... ] But now I think that's just a form of running away. It's more painful to live with what you've done than to shrug it off like that.
...You wanted to die?
[He frowns, suddenly.]
It IS painful to live with what you've done. [He threads a hand through his bangs, eyes glimmering. His blood-filled sea. The end will be cold.] So that's the path you've chosen.
[He frowns, suddenly.]
It IS painful to live with what you've done. [He threads a hand through his bangs, eyes glimmering. His blood-filled sea. The end will be cold.] So that's the path you've chosen.
I did. It was the plan to die once we'd completed our work at Lobotomy Corporation, but that was stopped short. I still wanted to when I began working at the Library, I was frustrated beyond belief that it'd been stolen from us... but we weren't allowed -- I wasn't the only one who wanted to, either.
[ for different reasons, more than just herself had. the others on her level... all of them had thought about it, seen the phantom value in it, and ultimately rejected it.
she's glad they did. she'd like to see a future with them. ]
It's the path I would choose every time now. What's the point of helping to create a better future for everyone if you're not there to see it too?
[ to live, to remember, to take steps you need to ensure those mistakes don't pile up again... maybe she doesn't deserve to share in that future with the people of the city that she'd hurt. but she still wants to, and sketches the buildings shed like to see there too. ]
[ for different reasons, more than just herself had. the others on her level... all of them had thought about it, seen the phantom value in it, and ultimately rejected it.
she's glad they did. she'd like to see a future with them. ]
It's the path I would choose every time now. What's the point of helping to create a better future for everyone if you're not there to see it too?
[ to live, to remember, to take steps you need to ensure those mistakes don't pile up again... maybe she doesn't deserve to share in that future with the people of the city that she'd hurt. but she still wants to, and sketches the buildings shed like to see there too. ]
[She says it like death was another thing on her list of projects. It might has well have been, back then. See, this is what the City does. He wonders if she would be this blunt with someone who has never lived in that rotten hell. Probably not. He, of course, can understand it so well.]
[Her question makes him fall quiet. That dream of his, laid buried in his heart...that idealistic, reckless vision. That voice, that woman, had seen it for what it was, peeked into the stone cracks to see inside.]
[He had been tempted, then.]
[But he could not love himself enough to pull away from that ideal completely.]
It's a long painful road you travel, Miss Weiss. It's the type of road that could tear up your soul. [His voice is more hoarse.] Do you still wish to follow that flow? Even if you may not succeed?
[Her question makes him fall quiet. That dream of his, laid buried in his heart...that idealistic, reckless vision. That voice, that woman, had seen it for what it was, peeked into the stone cracks to see inside.]
[He had been tempted, then.]
[But he could not love himself enough to pull away from that ideal completely.]
It's a long painful road you travel, Miss Weiss. It's the type of road that could tear up your soul. [His voice is more hoarse.] Do you still wish to follow that flow? Even if you may not succeed?
[ she wouldn't. she tiptoed around the exactness of it with march and kaito, from the work they did at l corp to the sort they did in the library, avoided the horror of elijah's death and what had broken the spirit of the woman they had all followed... how things had fallen, how living beyond their purpose hadn't crossed their minds at the end of the project.
malkuth could never tell them so plainly. there's too much they don't understand, too much they would feel. it's a burden she doesn't want to inflict onto either of her dear, wonderful friends. it's a burden that she can ask vergilius to hear out instead. ]
I do. Because I know better than anyone that "may not" is better than "won't", and I won't succeed if I never step foot on that road in the first place.
malkuth could never tell them so plainly. there's too much they don't understand, too much they would feel. it's a burden she doesn't want to inflict onto either of her dear, wonderful friends. it's a burden that she can ask vergilius to hear out instead. ]
I do. Because I know better than anyone that "may not" is better than "won't", and I won't succeed if I never step foot on that road in the first place.
[He closes his eyes.]
[And there's the very slight edge of a bitter, bitter smile.]
Ah. How it feels to find fellow travelers on the road...
[He lapses into silence for a moment, finishing off his second beer bottle.]
If that's the flow you follow...then you cannot be stopped.
[And there's the very slight edge of a bitter, bitter smile.]
Ah. How it feels to find fellow travelers on the road...
[He lapses into silence for a moment, finishing off his second beer bottle.]
If that's the flow you follow...then you cannot be stopped.
...Sure.
[His eyes open just a sliver.]
Go ahead, Miss Weiss.
[His eyes open just a sliver.]
Go ahead, Miss Weiss.
I think you would have found a way if you really wanted to.
[ it's come up a couple of times now, so-- ]
You talk a lot about flow, but I can't say I really get it. You're not just saying stuff like that to sound wise, are you?
[ like
it does make him sound old and wise, but she is curious if there's something more. ]
You talk a lot about flow, but I can't say I really get it. You're not just saying stuff like that to sound wise, are you?
[ like
it does make him sound old and wise, but she is curious if there's something more. ]
Ha. No. I'm not. It's...
[A bit complicated, and he's trying to find words.]
Hard to describe. I suppose it's like...a pull. Something like a stream pulling you along. The ebbs and lows of life. You can turn your back to it. Or you can walk through it, and let it take you where it leads. Sometimes a flow can stagnate. But its unavoidable, in its own way.
[A bit complicated, and he's trying to find words.]
Hard to describe. I suppose it's like...a pull. Something like a stream pulling you along. The ebbs and lows of life. You can turn your back to it. Or you can walk through it, and let it take you where it leads. Sometimes a flow can stagnate. But its unavoidable, in its own way.
[ but he's taking the time to explain it, and she watches him as she sips at her beer. a pull, something that tugs you... leads your feet, maybe, and acts as a guide. the gut instinct humans long since abandoned save for when it came to fear response. something like that.
fate, unwritten but known. angela might have felt it. it seems like something leads that book of hers, consuming knowledge until it bursts at the seams and the library with it. elijah must have felt it, face turning to something new, something inevitable. one way or another, the world would have been affected by carmen -- whether she was there or not. maybe it was something like that. ]
You're right, it is hard to describe. But thanks for trying anyway -- I think I get it a little more now, at least enough to say I'm definitely walking with mine... and that I think I get what you mean by stagnate. Sometimes everything just feels like it leads to a pool instead of the sea.
fate, unwritten but known. angela might have felt it. it seems like something leads that book of hers, consuming knowledge until it bursts at the seams and the library with it. elijah must have felt it, face turning to something new, something inevitable. one way or another, the world would have been affected by carmen -- whether she was there or not. maybe it was something like that. ]
You're right, it is hard to describe. But thanks for trying anyway -- I think I get it a little more now, at least enough to say I'm definitely walking with mine... and that I think I get what you mean by stagnate. Sometimes everything just feels like it leads to a pool instead of the sea.
Yes. I know that feeling. I had a flow that stagnated.
[But now, things have changed. This flow cannot be stopped.]
[Except....well. They're here.]
[Not there.]
[Is this part of his flow...?]
I know where my flow goes now, at the very least.
[But now, things have changed. This flow cannot be stopped.]
[Except....well. They're here.]
[Not there.]
[Is this part of his flow...?]
I know where my flow goes now, at the very least.
[ atziluth would love him. ]
That's good! Then you can't be led astray by anything else that might pop up.
[ is what it sounds like, anyway... she'll finish off her bottle, holding it up to the light and wondering, briefly, if when she stands up, if she'll be okay. she doesn't feel bad. she could probably go for another, but she has things to do outside of this; that is something she remembers mentioning, and something she needs to keep to. but she feels fine right now.
(it has not hit her.) ]
Though I don't think anything could. You don't seem like the type of person that'd be easily distracted from what's important.
That's good! Then you can't be led astray by anything else that might pop up.
[ is what it sounds like, anyway... she'll finish off her bottle, holding it up to the light and wondering, briefly, if when she stands up, if she'll be okay. she doesn't feel bad. she could probably go for another, but she has things to do outside of this; that is something she remembers mentioning, and something she needs to keep to. but she feels fine right now.
(it has not hit her.) ]
Though I don't think anything could. You don't seem like the type of person that'd be easily distracted from what's important.
Edited 2024-03-29 01:54 (UTC)
[god.]
Hm. [He watches her look through the bottle - it reminds him of that moment near the cherry blossoms, when they both went too far. He doesn't even know why - no, actually, he does. Mentions of the Library. Of Roland.]
[He sighs.]
You'd be right about that. I'm not the type of person who would wander off the path. Not anymore.
[A beat - self-consciousness rises, like a little naggling thorn in the side.]
Would you...want another drink?
Hm. [He watches her look through the bottle - it reminds him of that moment near the cherry blossoms, when they both went too far. He doesn't even know why - no, actually, he does. Mentions of the Library. Of Roland.]
[He sighs.]
You'd be right about that. I'm not the type of person who would wander off the path. Not anymore.
[A beat - self-consciousness rises, like a little naggling thorn in the side.]
Would you...want another drink?
[ the question doesn't register immediately, but when it does her surprise is small but evident as she lowers the bottle to look at him. she probably shouldn't, with what... she needs to do tonight, which is walk around and take pictures of the city with all its pretty neons, but maybe that can just be a want tonight instead. she'd like to do that, but it isn't something that can't be done tomorrow.
yeah. that can be done tomorrow, and malkuth tilts her head with a teasing smile. ]
Trying to pay off your debt so soon? [ the drink he owes her, which she'd collect at some point anyway. ] I'd love one, Mr. Gaze.
yeah. that can be done tomorrow, and malkuth tilts her head with a teasing smile. ]
Trying to pay off your debt so soon? [ the drink he owes her, which she'd collect at some point anyway. ] I'd love one, Mr. Gaze.
...
[CALLED OUT...]
[He shrugs his shoulders back casually - if it'll happen tomorrow, he'll respect the lady's wishes, at least, though a large part of him is bemoaning having to be dragged out of his place once again. Oh well.]
Thought I might as well ask. Since you...requested, and all. Never leave debts unpaid.
[A huff.]
Where...would you like to go?
[CALLED OUT...]
[He shrugs his shoulders back casually - if it'll happen tomorrow, he'll respect the lady's wishes, at least, though a large part of him is bemoaning having to be dragged out of his place once again. Oh well.]
Thought I might as well ask. Since you...requested, and all. Never leave debts unpaid.
[A huff.]
Where...would you like to go?
whatever
i thought the photograph was for your own personal archives, though
i thought the photograph was for your own personal archives, though
[ he seems so awkward... ]
You don't ask people out enough. Usually they have someplace in mind before they do, just for future reference.
[ it's... cute, though, and waves to pay off their meal as she stands, hand resting on the table as she ascertains her facilities. good enough for another drink, the fried food had been a help. it's just a little buzz, cheeks pink and grin unfailing. ]
I don't know the scene... so let's walk around and see what catches our eyes. We'll go into the first bar that looks interesting. Sound good?
You don't ask people out enough. Usually they have someplace in mind before they do, just for future reference.
[ it's... cute, though, and waves to pay off their meal as she stands, hand resting on the table as she ascertains her facilities. good enough for another drink, the fried food had been a help. it's just a little buzz, cheeks pink and grin unfailing. ]
I don't know the scene... so let's walk around and see what catches our eyes. We'll go into the first bar that looks interesting. Sound good?
Does it look like I'm going to ask people out regularly, Miss Weiss.
[PLEASE!!!! PLEASE LET HIM LIVE]
[He moves to stand as soon as she does - a couple of beers only gets a faint vibe of a buzz at the edges of his senses. He's more worried - is that the word? maybe vaguely concerned - about her, but she seems upright. For now.]
...Sounds like a plan.
[A pause, and then a move forward - he's opening the door for her.]
After you.
[PLEASE!!!! PLEASE LET HIM LIVE]
[He moves to stand as soon as she does - a couple of beers only gets a faint vibe of a buzz at the edges of his senses. He's more worried - is that the word? maybe vaguely concerned - about her, but she seems upright. For now.]
...Sounds like a plan.
[A pause, and then a move forward - he's opening the door for her.]
After you.
You should! How else are you supposed to meet people, Mr. Gaze? It's fun to go out with others...
[ some of the most fun she's had, with him included. the door opens before she can even think to go for it herself and she pauses, hand dropping back to her side before she glances up at him curiously. ]
... You don't have to play the gentleman anymore, you know.
[ but it's sweet, so of course she'll step out before he can change his mind on holding it for her. ]
[ some of the most fun she's had, with him included. the door opens before she can even think to go for it herself and she pauses, hand dropping back to her side before she glances up at him curiously. ]
... You don't have to play the gentleman anymore, you know.
[ but it's sweet, so of course she'll step out before he can change his mind on holding it for her. ]
It's fun for you, perhaps.
[Not for him, obviously. Not for him, currently here and still hanging out with her. He got some answers, he's satisfied. He doesn't need to keep this up.]
[But debts repaid...or something like that.]
[He rolls his eyes at her remark, following after her as she walks through the door.]
I can hold a door sometimes without being a gentleman, you know.
[Not for him, obviously. Not for him, currently here and still hanging out with her. He got some answers, he's satisfied. He doesn't need to keep this up.]
[But debts repaid...or something like that.]
[He rolls his eyes at her remark, following after her as she walks through the door.]
I can hold a door sometimes without being a gentleman, you know.
Oh, is that so? Thanks, then.
[ maybe he does have manners... or he doesn't think she's coordinated. either way, it's a nice courtesy that she won't question again as the city greets them with vibrant neons, the sound of the nightly crowd both quiet and loud as groups chat among themselves.
there's plenty of signs for different establishments, not to mention ads. bars, hotels, adult cafes... restaurants, clubs, lounges not unlike the one they, outsiders in general, had infiltrated not but a few weeks ago. the more everyday thing someone might enjoy have long since closed for now, and what they're left with are places that, even if elijah hadn't put her nose to a book, malkuth has little familiarity with.
but a bar with a robot parrot bartender sounds fun. ]
Well, I guess we've got our pick of the litter. I didn't think there'd be so many things still open.
[ wao... walking around is gonna be fun. ]
[ maybe he does have manners... or he doesn't think she's coordinated. either way, it's a nice courtesy that she won't question again as the city greets them with vibrant neons, the sound of the nightly crowd both quiet and loud as groups chat among themselves.
there's plenty of signs for different establishments, not to mention ads. bars, hotels, adult cafes... restaurants, clubs, lounges not unlike the one they, outsiders in general, had infiltrated not but a few weeks ago. the more everyday thing someone might enjoy have long since closed for now, and what they're left with are places that, even if elijah hadn't put her nose to a book, malkuth has little familiarity with.
but a bar with a robot parrot bartender sounds fun. ]
Well, I guess we've got our pick of the litter. I didn't think there'd be so many things still open.
[ wao... walking around is gonna be fun. ]
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